There's One In Every Family....

Families are a wonderful thing. Quite often, they provide the back bone of our lives. They fortify us and give us a safe place in the world, where we are loved and accepted - just for being born.  The great thing about families is that they are made up of all kinds of people.  Even among siblings, you can find a number of people raised in the same house by the same two people and they'll be as different as night and day.

Usually, the words, "night" and "day" refer to personality.  The longer I live and the more people I talk to, I find that there is at least one person in every family that can't seem to "get it together". You know them, they get jobs, they lose jobs. They never have any money.  They are constantly living on the edge. They want the respect afforded to the adults, but they don't live an adult life and are constantly complaining that they are being treated like a child. They may be the baby of the family or the oldest - this affliction doesn't discriminate based on birth order.

Maybe you're one of the lucky few people where every single member of your family is a productive citizen. They never ask you for money or a place to stay. They have a good life and they take care of their business.

For the other 99.5% of the population we have to contend with the relative I like to refer to as "Can't get right". If you've seen the movie Life with Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence, you know where I got the name from.  If you haven't seen the move, well I think that the name says it all:

They. Just. Can't. Get. Right. 

I've racked my brain trying to figure it out. Is it fear of failure? Fear of success? Sense of entitlement?

Hell if I know.

What I do know is that among those I've spoken with and in my own experience, there seems to be recurring themes among these lovely folks:

No measurable goals. 

Goals are a road map. Just as if you were embarking on a trip, but had no clear way of how to get there...you're screwed and you probably will not ever reach your intended destination.  Like maps, goals have specific points that you need to arrive at to be sure you're going in the right direction. If you have no goals, then you have no real context in which to discern whether or not the decisions that you make are in line with your "big picture" goals. 

Maybe they have a goal, but NO real plan on how to get there. 

These folks seem to dream BIG. They are going to go out and conquer the world.  In talking with them, don't you often wonder when they are going to get started? Sometimes they say "When this next thing happens, then I'll be set.", pinning everything on something that you can see is really unlikely. "When I get picked up by the NBA, then I can really start living."  Well, this is coming out of the mouth of a 25 year old that hasn't played ball since high school.  I guess he practices in his sleep!

It's ALWAYS someone else's fault. 

Yes, that's the reason why they can't fly. It's your fault, it's mom and dad's fault. The family is against me. They're the self-proclaimed "black sheep".  If you are "Can't Get Right's" brother or sister, I'm sure they've told you in no uncertain terms that you or another sibling was always the "favorite".  It's because of that - because all of the support was sent another way, that they were left to fail.

They fall down and they never get up. 

Everyone has setbacks in life. The real test is how you choose to proceed from it. There's nothing wrong with failure. Some of the greatest lessons I've learned in life have come from failing...miserably. However, at some point you have to decide whether or not you are going to stay down on the ground, or if you are going to dust yourself off and overcome the obstacle.

They are takers.

They have no problem being constantly bailed out.  They aren't working, or pulling their own weight.  It's nothing for them to depend on others. No shame about it.  Some of us loathe the idea, but for them, asking folks for gas money, bus fare or rent on a fairly consistent basis is just business a usual. Then, when they actually have money, instead of taking care of their business and putting something away for a rainy day (because it's obvious to everyone else except them that the rain comes pretty regularly in their lives) they are at the mall, partying or going on a vacation.

They have mastered the art of self-sabotage.

Every single time they get something good going, they manage to screw it up. They quit that "good job". They drop out of school.  They have yet another baby. It starts to look promising, you start hoping that maybe this time will be different and WHAM!...back to square one.  Sometimes back to minus square one.

Whomever this person is in your life - a brother, sister, cousin, friend, etc., you love them. With your whole heart.  They are capable, funny, smart, fantastic people. The problem is that you see so much potential in them that it's heartbreaking.  I'm sure this phrase has come out of your mouth, like it's come out of mine: "You could be doing so much more."  That's why you wring your hands. That's why you end up helping them when you swore you wouldn't do it again. It's why you talk to them 200 times about seemingly the same issue.  Because you hope against hope that this time they'll get it together. This time it will work.

The truth is, you can't do more for someone than they are willing to do for themselves. You can't take over their life for six months, set them on their path and then give it back to them.  Willpower, drive, ambition...these are all things that come from the inside.  You can't give those things to someone else and you can't browbeat or badger people into who you think they should or could be.

Achievements have to be earned to mean something. That's a rule of human nature - we place more value on the things we have earned than the things given to us. 

I guess the answer is to keep on living, hoping and praying. Until the day you die, it's never too late for anyone to starting living up to their full potential.