Most people like to think that love is the most important feeling in human interactions. For sure, it makes the top five, but I believe the Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin, knew what she was talking about.
What comes before love is R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
In any situation, if you aren't getting the respect that you deserve, I'm going to tell you something that may be hard for you to read:
It's because of you.
You teach people how to treat you.
Maybe this sounds like a bunch of New Agey crap, but it's true. If you don't think so, pull from the recesses of your mind a relationship you have had with someone in which you constantly felt disrespected or dismissed.
Maybe this sounds like a bunch of New Agey crap, but it's true. If you don't think so, pull from the recesses of your mind a relationship you have had with someone in which you constantly felt disrespected or dismissed.
For example, you set up a time to meet and hang out with this person. They are always late or worse, they don't show up at all. You don't hear from them (even in this day and age of cell phones!) and when you finally do get a hold of them, they have some kind of lame excuse - "Oh, I had stop at the bank." or "I had to finish my laundry". Yep, real life threatening emergencies here.
Is it your fault that they are perpetually late or absent? Hell no. On the other hand, let's think about this for a moment. Do you continue to make dates with this person? Do you find yourself habitually putting your day on hold waiting for them? If the answer is yes, then you are teaching them that it's perfectly fine to disrespect your time. They keep doing it because they know you will wait for them and whatever time they manage to darken your door is fine.
The next time you decide to make a date with the friend or loved one who is perpetually "tardy to the party", decide up front on the grace period you are going to give. Fifteen minutes is what I use, but set your own standard. If someone has kept me waiting longer than that - without the courtesy of a phone call - I leave. The restaurant, the house, wherever we agreed to meet. Also, I find something else to do. Hopefully, the "offender" will get the hint right away and you won't have to keep pulling disappearing acts. They will be on time - at least when they meet up with you, because they know you won't wait. You'll move on to something else and will not be available for them - they missed their time with you.
On the other hand, if they don't get it and you aren't really that interested in keeping up the relationship - it's easy. You just let them go. You don't make dates. You decline any further offers to hang out. Eventually, they'll catch on. If they don't you may have to just say what's bothering you...you know, use the old standby - communication.
On a personal note, I have a reputation for telling people exactly how I feel about the things they do, whether I like or dislike it. That's me. Some folks are less confrontational. Yes, I do know that there is more than one way to tell people how you feel. I just don't often choose to got the subtle route. To me, it just saves me time and the other person from all the guesswork. I'm not mean, I just make it plain.
Setting boundaries works for everyone - your kids, your friends, the person you are in like or in love with. In fact, you already know someone that has drawn boundaries in their relationship with you. When you contemplate dealing with them, what comes to mind immediately is what you can and cannot do. You know not to be late, or get up out of your seat and act out all of your stories in the aisle of the restaurant (yes, this happened to me) or a host of other things you are prone to do that could offend their delicate sensibilities. How do you know this? Well, they either told you or they have shown you with their actions that certain types of behavior will not be tolerated. They drew a line. If you decide to continually cross it, you know that eventually, this person will stop dealing with you. If you care enough about the relationship, your behavior is influenced, and you act accordingly.
It works on you - I know this because it works on all of us, even me. Try it. You'll have to be consistent...no half steppin' here. After a while, if folks want to be in your life they will respect the lines you've drawn (even if they don't necessarily like it) or they'll exit, stage left. Either way you'll be amazed at how much happier you are because of it.
Think about it another way. Respect is the map that gives direction to the love/like/admiration. If you don't have a map, then the road is fraught with uncertainty. Travelling without a map on a real life road trip can be an adventure. In relationships, folks like to know where they stand - what they can and cannot do. The boundaries are a gift to both parties because it eliminates confusion. You like to do drugs? Well, I don't - so don't ask me to give you a ride to your drug dealer's house, so you can score (yes, this also happened to me).
Some lines are dotted and can be treated as suggestions. Some are double yellow lines and are complete deal-breakers. Whatever they turn out to be, you are responsible for making sure that the people in your life are aware of the difference. Other people cannot be responsible for our happiness, peace of mind or clean arrest record.
It works on you - I know this because it works on all of us, even me. Try it. You'll have to be consistent...no half steppin' here. After a while, if folks want to be in your life they will respect the lines you've drawn (even if they don't necessarily like it) or they'll exit, stage left. Either way you'll be amazed at how much happier you are because of it.
Think about it another way. Respect is the map that gives direction to the love/like/admiration. If you don't have a map, then the road is fraught with uncertainty. Travelling without a map on a real life road trip can be an adventure. In relationships, folks like to know where they stand - what they can and cannot do. The boundaries are a gift to both parties because it eliminates confusion. You like to do drugs? Well, I don't - so don't ask me to give you a ride to your drug dealer's house, so you can score (yes, this also happened to me).
Some lines are dotted and can be treated as suggestions. Some are double yellow lines and are complete deal-breakers. Whatever they turn out to be, you are responsible for making sure that the people in your life are aware of the difference. Other people cannot be responsible for our happiness, peace of mind or clean arrest record.
