Angry Black Woman on Board!

I recently watched a provocative comedy/documentary called “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. It’s a very interesting piece providing a man’s perspective on the state of relationships between black men and women. It was billed as the black man’s “Waiting to Exhale”.

Often, I find myself interested in the male point of view. It’s not difficult to get a woman’s opinion. Women talk all the time – about their feelings, their relationships and it’s all out there for everyone to see. Men usually reserve this kind of talk (sans the feelings) for the times when they are only in the company of other men. This was a unique opportunity to get some additional insight into what men think. The filmmaker, Tim Alexander, interviewed scores of men and women on the streets in major cities across the country while at the same time interspersing scripted scenes that illustrated the various scenarios of a very dysfunctional relationship.

The most interesting part of the film was the notion of “Angry Black Women Syndrome”, or ABS. The movie suggested that this psychological phenomenon occurred when a black woman generally behaves aggressively/bitterly towards the black men she dates as a result of the transgressions of the men that she has come across in her experiences, whether they be her father, her ex-boyfriends or the father(s) of her child(ren).

Some of the men that were interviewed for the film expressed feeling some responsibility for black women’s anger – by definition, it was directly related to the treatment they received at the hands of men.

However, one man provided an alternative point of view: He felt that angry black women were misdirecting their fury towards men. What would be more productive is for the women to take ownership of their bad decisions. In interactions between men and women, women have the power. Women, not men, do the choosing, whether that is the choice to go on a date or allow a man into their beds. Additionally, many women who come across men they are truly compatible with will unilaterally assign them to the category of a friend or brother type. They will then tell these men that because they are like a best friend, they don’t want to take the relationship to a romantic level, because that could potentially ruin the friendship. From his point of view, this was a backwards way of looking at things. The person you expect to be in a long term relationship with should be your friend and share your same interests. Instead of picking this guy, women choose someone who is the very antithesis of everything they say that they want. He termed it as “trying to put a square peg in a round hole”. It just won’t work. The relationship inevitably ends horrifically and this guy is written off as a dog or any other disparaging adjective that you could think of. She goes through this 2 or 3 more times, possibly producing a child or two along the way and now all black men are worthless, when it was her series of bad decisions that created this situation in the first place.

He has an interesting point. As a woman, his comments gave me reason to pause. If a woman suffers from “Angry Black Woman Syndrome”, is it her fault? Do we blame others for repeating our mistakes and carrying baggage?

Well, let’s see. All the women I know have at least one relationship in which man treated her horribly. From personal experience and what I’ve heard from other women I know, these are the top 5 reasons that black women are angry – in no particular order:

1. There aren’t enough good black men.
2. Black men don’t want to take care of their children.

3. They want white or “white-looking” women.
4. They can’t handle a strong black woman.
5. Black men on “the down low”.

There aren’t enough good black men
If you keeping getting dog after dog, I can see your point on this. Men lie. They cheat. They leave. If you don’t know at least one good guy (not even your father, an uncle, a brother or cousin?), then thinking this way is understandable, but perhaps this is a matter of perception. If your love life is a parade of no-good men, maybe a moment of reflection is in order here. Why do you keep attracting them? Why do you keep accepting what they are offering? One thing I learned from my first marriage is that people are going to be who they are – no matter what. Trying to change them is like trying to alter the trajectory of the moon – never gonna happen. It’s always, always, always (did I say ALWAYS?) our choice to roll with it or roll out.

One woman from the film, who was black, spent most of her camera time repeating her mantra “There are no good brothas out there!” She said the last black man she dated had lied about the fact that he was married and never once paid on a date. She paid for everything – even when she wasn’t working and he was. When asked how long she dated this prize, she admitted that she was with him for two years. Two years?!?! Are you serious? I’m sorry lady, but whatever happened after you found out he was married and you still decided to deal with him was not his fault. According to her, he waited until after she fell in love to reveal he was married. Said that he played emotional games. This guy’s a liar, playing games was a given, but she obviously didn’t demand anything more from him (e.g. getting a divorce, forking over a few dollars for dinner), so she got what she got.

Black men don’t want to take care of their children

I know that the statistics regularly circulated about single parent households headed by black women would make this seem true. Yes, I know, black women are more likely to be in rap video than get married, there are more black men in jail than in college and the black family is in serious trouble – just ask Bill Cosby. There are some men that seem downright allergic to responsibility, yes, but black men haven’t cornered the market on being deadbeat dads. Once the relationship is over, many women like to act like this type of behavior comes as a shock from the man that they were dealing with, or is it? Many times men tell us exactly who they are by their actions, not their words. We pretend to see something else – or fill in the gaps with our own reasoning for why they do things (e.g. “He hasn’t seen his child in 2 years, but that’s because his ex-wife is crazy!” – Note here: every man’s ex-wife/girlfriend is crazy. She seemed fine when they were sleeping together, but now that the love is gone, she’s getting fitted for a straight jacket!).

Sometimes ladies, it’s us. While nothing and no one should keep a man from seeing his children, some of us act ugly because we are so angry with our exes. We play games with visitation, we act proprietary over the child when we find out the ex has a new girlfriend (read: he’s now officially over you), we make the situation unpleasant with our attitudes and every custody exchange has the potential for police intervention. I’m not saying it’s right, but some men decide it’s just not worth the trouble and forgo seeing their child until they become an adult.

Now, if the father of your child isn’t doing the right thing, don’t argue with him – file for child support and structured visitation. Let the courts deal with him. If he still doesn’t want to do right, they’ll handle it – garnish his paycheck, suspend his license and even put him in jail. If he’s been given every opportunity to have access to his child and still doesn’t exercise his rights, well then it’s his loss. He’ll have to reconcile that with whatever deity you believe in. I know that the child is the real loser here, but you can’t make someone be a father if they don’t want to be.

They want white or “white-looking” women

The media certainly helps us with this, doesn’t’ it? The black women traditionally featured in hip-hop/R&B videos as the love interest are usually light skinned or mixed, right? Oh and let’s not forget about the professional black athlete. The majority of them have non-black wives, right? Yes and this group represents what proportion of the population of available black men? I’m guessing here, but I’d say it’s less than 1%. They’re just on TV more than the average bear. Most of us will never meet a pro-baller or famous singer/rapper, let alone have enough contact to date and marry these men, but we’re still pissed.

I don’t think this has anything to do with men. A lot of the contempt that black women have for black men that date and marry non-black women is in direct correlation to how we feel about ourselves. Even within the black community, there’s a divide between light and dark skinned women. The implication has always been that lighter is better, prettier even. Darker is homely and not desirable. Long, straight/wavy hair is easier. Short, kinky hair has to be dealt with – usually with a perm or weave. With terms like “good hair” and “nappy hair” swirling in our kitchens, beauty salons and even out of the mouths of our mothers and grandmothers, it’s no wonder that we don’t feel like we are good enough.

In mainstream American media, black women are not the most beautiful or even exotic. Black women with more prominently African features are not revered. Even the gorgeous model, Alek Wek couldn’t catch a break. She’d be on the cover of major publications, on high profile catwalks and by the constant barrage of negative comments, it felt like the world just wasn’t ready for her African face and silky midnight skin to be a standard of beauty.

Maybe I’m naïve, but I really do believe that if you are fine with what and who you are (including how you look), there isn’t much that other folks can do that will affect you. Some black women will actually scowl on the street at a black man and his non-black companion. Who is that helping exactly? Upon seeing the disgust on your face, is that man supposed to drop his date right then and ask you out? Is he supposed to apologize? He likes white/Asian/Latina women? Who cares? Hell, even if was exclusively into black women, you still may not be his type. If the white/Asian/Latina woman stole your man, well then you’ve got cause for a grudge – against that woman. But eventually, you’ll have to release the rage.

They can’t handle a strong black woman

The stereotype here is that the allure of a non-black woman lies in the fact that she will allow a man to do whatever he wants in a relationship - she will deal with all of the bullshit a strong black woman wouldn’t put up with. Some uninformed black men have confirmed this fallacy by saying that non-black women are simply easier to deal with – much less attitude. Well, if these men were dealing with a woman suffering from ABS, maybe there’s some truth to that. Non-black women usually wouldn’t have deep seated grudges against black men, but are they any better at leaving their emotional baggage at the door of a new relationship? I don’t think so. It always varies from person to person.

I don’t, for one second, believe that white women “let” black men get away with anything. Look at Tiger Wood’s wife, Elin. While it’s true that she is the epitome of traditional “white” beauty – a thin, blond, blue eyed Swede, let’s look beyond the surface.

My theory: Tiger’s car accident late last year was actually him trying to run away from his wife. She found out about his 200 affairs and was going to beat the living shit out of him, as any women would. He ran and jumped in his car trying to escape the ass-whoopin’. She gave chase, he hit a pole and she then tried to break the windows on his car to get to him – it wasn’t a rescue. I don’t care if you thought the woman married Tiger and gave him two babies for his millions. Nobody wants to be humiliated like that, especially in front of the whole world. It was simply poetic justice that she was trying to hurt him with one of his own golf clubs.

Al Green’s wife had hot grits, Brenda Ritchie had her fists, and Elin Woods had a golf club. Same shit, different day.

Black men on “the down low”

Well, this is a tricky one. It’s true; there are men that haven’t come to terms with the truth of their sexual preferences – for whatever reason. Some feel the need to hide in plain sight by dating and marrying women. There is a shame associated with homosexuality, which drives people to do insane things to keep their closet door locked tight. This is an issue unto itself that needs to be addressed in many communities, not just with black people. In an earnest effort to empower women with knowledge, books were been written, discussions took place on a number of talk shows and fictional accounts were acted out on more than one television drama. But with the information, a sense of fear was also imparted.

During the height of the airplay, every man became suspect. To add to the terror, some of the men that were formerly on the “down-low” had gone into great detail about the fact that their secret sexual partners were married men or men with girlfriends. The rage spiraled out of control and it became another war cry against black men – another reason not to trust them. What should have been a rally for women to protect themselves and be more informed about whom they are sleeping with turned into some sort of a witch hunt – trying to find out who was gay. It did nothing to engender peace and understanding between black men and women. If someone is lying to themselves and to you, there’s not much you can do about changing their behavior, but you can and should do all you can to protect yourself - get to know a man before you sleep with him, use condoms and trust your inner voice when it tells you something is wrong – even if it seems like you’re dealing with Mr. Right.

Conclusion

Do these things happen? Yes. A few of them have happened to me, but I don’t think that these behaviors are unique to the relationships between black men and women. There are good & bad people in every race, creed, nationality and color. Black men are not the only dogs in the kennel. To quote an oft used saying, if you lie down with dogs, you will wake up with fleas. Women do the choosing. If you are going to hook yourself to a broken wagon, can you really get mad? If a man’s actions suggest he doesn’t have any integrity, but you pursue him like a women possessed, is that really his fault when your heart gets broken? Maybe my 20 year old self could make a case for it, but nearly 15 years later, I know the truth – the choice was always mine.