I’ve been given a new life. I swear.
Well, that’s how it feels. The more I embrace my artistic side, the more color life has.
Things literally look brighter – sunsets, faces, paintings…all of it. I did not realize how much beauty there was in the world. I did not realize how much brilliance there was in imperfection, in the messiness of life.
I’m also continuing my quest to surrender the urge to put people and situations into neat little boxes that fit my understanding. It’s boring. It’s me trying to control things. Life is a mystery, one that is unfolding every minute. My intention is to enjoy the unfolding, not to be worried all the time about how it unfolds.
In the end, I already know what is going to happen: I’m going to die.
That’s then end of everyone’s story. But what’s going to happen between now and my last day?
Don’t know…but I can’t wait to see! It’s the journey that makes things exciting…not the beginning, not the end, but all the stuff in the middle.
I’m a born planner, charging forward to make it from point A to point B in record time. Following the Life Plan, like a good girl. Great intentions, but shit happens and I’ve zigzagged more than Deion Sanders trying to avoid a tackle. I have spent far too much time feeling bad because I wasn’t at point B by age X, instead of enjoying the journey and being present in the experience. I had to let go of my idea of perfect. Perfection is an illusion, just like control.
I liked what Jane Fonda had to say on this subject (and I’m paraphrasing here): We are not meant to be perfect; we are meant to be whole.
Being whole for me means listening to my gut and making sure I’m living my idea of the good life – not someone else’s.
This new perspective is exciting, but still confusing at times. I still feel unsure, even filled with angst – like I was a teenager again. This is not a happy thing. I was more than glad to be done with those years, but here I am, a 36 year old mother of two...and I still don’t have all of the answers and it fucks with me.
This contradicts what I said earlier about just enjoying the unfolding mystery, right?
See? Angst and confusion. Sometimes my impulse control malfunctions too….just like when I was a teenager.
Well, here’s to continuing the work. Here’s to waking up each day with another chance to make a new choice. Here’s to not over thinking. Here’s to not being so afraid of the greatness that is dying to get out, if we’d just give it a chance…
See you in April.
