I'm Clearly Dying

I’m pretty sure I think about dying too much. 

Ballpark estimate? 20 times a day.  

I'm not even sure why. 

Sometimes, I get these ‘pulse’ headaches - like in my temple.  There isn't any pain, just a slight pressure, for less than 5 seconds; however, in that moment, I am absolutely certain that I’m going to have a stroke and die.  

A few months back, I was having heart palpitations. Regularly.  I went to my doctor several times.  All kinds of tests run - blood, urine, x-rays.  More than once.  Apparently all my blood work, etc. is fine.  She thinks it’s stress.  I’m dying and she’s insisting that all these episodes are stress related.  I’m not sure I entirely believe her.  Even though my palpitations have stopped since I started meditating 2 months ago.  That’s just a huge coincidence.  The heart attack is still coming.

I sometimes imagine my commuter bus careening off of the side of the highway.  Me and the other 30-odd passengers being tossed around like rag dolls, breaking every bone in my body.  Buses don’t have seat belts.  I’m guessing it would take them at least 24 hours to find us, especially as it gets dark and we’re at the bottom of a 40 foot drop. I'm going to slowly bleed out from the bones jutting out of my body.

Less frequently, but still as frightening, I imagine myself waking up and finding a strange man standing over me.  He's going to do unspeakable things to me before choking me to death.  Yep, good times. 

Why am I letting my crazy leak out?  Again, no freakin' idea.  I just know that I feel a little bit better.

This is going to sound strange, but I don't actively fear death.  I like to use these thoughts as a way to help me appreciate whatever life I have left - even when they come to me completely unbidden. 

Maybe from now on I'll try to imagine myself peacefully passing away in my sleep...