A colleague once said to me, "I never underestimate people's ability to blame others."
I'd never heard it put quite that way, but he was right. Over the years, I have heard so many reasons why people can't do what they say they want to do...or worse, what they said they were going to do.
I'd never heard it put quite that way, but he was right. Over the years, I have heard so many reasons why people can't do what they say they want to do...or worse, what they said they were going to do.
I don't know, maybe my point of view has to do with my birth order. I am the oldest of two children. I often found myself responsible for my little sister, Leslye. If I was left in charge while my parents were out and Leslye did something wrong, I was held responsible for it.
Quite often, I resented this set-up, as anyone would. I would think, "Why am I being held responsible for what she does?" Even if I wasn't directly involved, it didn't matter, that was the deal. If she broke the rules under my watch, it was my fault and I was was also punished...for being irresponsible.
After 75 years and thousands of dollars spent on therapy, I came to appreciate the way my parents chose to handle this - especially after getting out into the world and meeting other people. I didn't realize that there are were so many adults that don't want to take responsibility for their life.If after listening to their litany of complaints about their life, you say to them, "Your life is crap because of you." they seem to take offense. Personal note here: I have been accused of not being as tactful as some folks would like...according to my sister, I should not become a self-esteem counselor...that being said, I would get the same response every time. No, no, no they say. It was the crappy supervisor, the bad breaks, they didn't like me, I wasn't in the "in" crowd. Nowhere in there is what part they played - whether they were fired, got divorced, are broke, or are just generally unhappy. It's always someone else's fault. It's even someone else's doing if you have "low self-esteem". I know that this is easier - to blame someone else. Hey, if it's the other guy's fault, well then there was nothing I could do. There's nothing to reflect on here. I'll just take this same attitude into the next situation and get the same result. Yes, and even when that doesn't work out, it is still someone else's fault.
As my Nana would say, "The world don't owe you nothin'.
That's it. Period.
Feel free to substitute "the world" for: parents, your boss, the government or whatever you want. You want something? Work for it. Stop whinin'. Your parents weren't rich, who cares? You grew up in a crappy neighborhood? Aww, poor baby! Your parents were well off and sheltered you from the harsh realities of life, really? You're crying about that?!?! Can somebody get me a violin?
Everybody has got a story. Everyone can point to something in their life and say "That was pretty devastating." It might have been. It might have been downright awful...but it didn't kill you. That's right, you're still here. What are you gonna do, find Doc Brown, get the DeLorean and change all of that? Life doesn't work that way.
As it says in the Declaration of Independence:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
We do not have the right to happiness - just the pursuit. As in, you have the right to do the work necessary to make yourself happy. Whatever that means for you. I think over the last few hundred years, it's been so misquoted that it has morphed into a statement of fact that we are owed happiness.
For instance, people seem to believe their parents owe them something - a college education, a better childhood, their unending sorrow for all of the things you think they didn't do. They don't. Most parents, myself included, do the best that they can. When your children arrive, they don't come with instructions. They come with a personality. At the same time, you have your own personality, hangups, issues - despite the fact that you are now responsible for another life. You have fallen deeply in love with this tiny creature but at the same time, you're afraid. You doubt yourself constantly, worrying about every little thing you do or say - wondering if your relationship is going to be in later years what the therapist uses to illustrate why your child is screwed up. You give your money, time, tears, wisdom and hope and pour all of that into this person you've created. There is no "sure thing" with children and so you hope that whatever tools you've given them will be enough. Sometime it is. Sometimes not. It's kind of a crap shoot, even under the best of circumstances - hell, even the Cosby kids screwed up.
For argument's sake, let's say from your point of view you didn't have the best childhood. How long is that excuse supposed to cover you not living up to your potential? Does it work when you're 35? 40? Yeah, I'm 30 and still live with my parents...but it's my mother's fault for not getting me a pony when I was 9 - that damaged my self-esteem. Are you serious?
If your parents were regularly sober, employed and didn't abuse you, count yourself blessed. If, on top of that, they were involved in your school work, paid for you to do or have "extra" things like piano lessons, karate, braces, travel, etc. then count yourself doubly blessed. Trust me, not everyone gets this.
If your parents were regularly sober, employed and didn't abuse you, count yourself blessed. If, on top of that, they were involved in your school work, paid for you to do or have "extra" things like piano lessons, karate, braces, travel, etc. then count yourself doubly blessed. Trust me, not everyone gets this.
Whatever you got, your parents gave you what they had. If they didn't have it themselves, they couldn't give it to you. It's over, you're an adult now. If you have children, you are going to make your own mistakes. Forgive as you will one day you will want to be forgiven. If you don't have children, forgive 'em anyway - it's just good karma.
I hope you don't think that I'm saying it's easy to forgive and forget. It's not. It's hard as hell. I know. Once upon a time in my life, I was going through a divorce.
I loved to blame my ex-husband for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I'd tell all my friends as much - he was the villain in my drama. However, after some time had passed and I had the chance to really look at the situation objectively, I know that at 22, I was too young to get married - to anyone. When I was that age, no one could tell me anything. I knew it all! I had the same attitude that a lot of young people do: "I'll show them!" I said and did a lot of hurtful things to him, just like he did to me. I gave as good as I got. We were a spectacular mismatch in nearly every facet of our relationship. It just wasn't a smart decision. We should have continued to date and let the relationship take it's natural course. For us, that would have meant that we would have eventually broken up. But oh no, I just had to do it my way. I got my way, alright. Just financially speaking, it took me years(!) to recover, but like Ol' Blue Eyes, I did it my way. It was my choice to go this route.
Should I have stayed angry at him forever? Hmmm...Well, we've been legally divorced nearly a decade and separated longer than that. A little less than a year after my ex-husband and I separated, my sister decided to set me up on a blind date. I met my soul mate. I am married to him now. If I was still angry, I don't think I would have been receptive to the feelings I experienced when I met Ray. I would have been suspicious, played more games than the NBA and eventually driven him out of my life. Instead, I decided to open up my heart and trust another person again. Was I wiser this time around? Oh hell yes!! But, I didn't let what happened in my first marriage become what defined my life. I'm actually grateful for the experience. Two important reasons:
I had to admit I was wrong. I had to take responsibility for the kind of person I was in that relationship. I learned some valuable lessons, even in a less-than-stellar relationship.
Reflecting on my relationship in a conscientious way gave me the opportunity to make changes where I wanted, so I wasn't stuck in the past. It did not happen overnight. It was a process. There were times when I had to forced myself to remember the bad things that happened...and then decide to forgive him as well as myself. It was all that work - on me, not him - that enabled me to own what I did and say, "That was my fault."
It was my time to exercise my right to pursue my happiness. I'm still not done. I'm a work in progress, for sure. However, I feel powerful in knowing that whatever comes my way if a reflection of who I now, not old baggage from a decade ago.
I loved to blame my ex-husband for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I'd tell all my friends as much - he was the villain in my drama. However, after some time had passed and I had the chance to really look at the situation objectively, I know that at 22, I was too young to get married - to anyone. When I was that age, no one could tell me anything. I knew it all! I had the same attitude that a lot of young people do: "I'll show them!" I said and did a lot of hurtful things to him, just like he did to me. I gave as good as I got. We were a spectacular mismatch in nearly every facet of our relationship. It just wasn't a smart decision. We should have continued to date and let the relationship take it's natural course. For us, that would have meant that we would have eventually broken up. But oh no, I just had to do it my way. I got my way, alright. Just financially speaking, it took me years(!) to recover, but like Ol' Blue Eyes, I did it my way. It was my choice to go this route.
Should I have stayed angry at him forever? Hmmm...Well, we've been legally divorced nearly a decade and separated longer than that. A little less than a year after my ex-husband and I separated, my sister decided to set me up on a blind date. I met my soul mate. I am married to him now. If I was still angry, I don't think I would have been receptive to the feelings I experienced when I met Ray. I would have been suspicious, played more games than the NBA and eventually driven him out of my life. Instead, I decided to open up my heart and trust another person again. Was I wiser this time around? Oh hell yes!! But, I didn't let what happened in my first marriage become what defined my life. I'm actually grateful for the experience. Two important reasons:
- I got a wonderful daughter out of the deal. I wouldn't trade the experience of being her mother for the world.
- Without a doubt, I would not have known a "good thing" when I saw it and I would have missed out on all the wonderful things that I have discovered since I met Ray.
I had to admit I was wrong. I had to take responsibility for the kind of person I was in that relationship. I learned some valuable lessons, even in a less-than-stellar relationship.
Reflecting on my relationship in a conscientious way gave me the opportunity to make changes where I wanted, so I wasn't stuck in the past. It did not happen overnight. It was a process. There were times when I had to forced myself to remember the bad things that happened...and then decide to forgive him as well as myself. It was all that work - on me, not him - that enabled me to own what I did and say, "That was my fault."
It was my time to exercise my right to pursue my happiness. I'm still not done. I'm a work in progress, for sure. However, I feel powerful in knowing that whatever comes my way if a reflection of who I now, not old baggage from a decade ago.
