I finally
finished writing the script for my short film.
It's a personal topic, one that evokes
some raw emotions. I endeavored to create a piece that was respectful to all those involved, but what was most difficult
was opening myself up to those old feelings of pain and rage.
What I didn't get, not until I was finished, was that the nasty process of wading through the awfulness was essential to the storytelling. I actually wanted the catharsis, I just didn't want have to dig too deeply to get it. Problem was, I couldn't not tell this story.
Hindsight is 20/20, but it will also make you feel like an idiot. I couldn't figure out why it was taking me so
long to get it finished; now I know why. I'd been worried that going too deeply into those caverns opened me up
to the possibility that I might not be able to find my way back.
I’m always telling my daughter to go all in with her school work
– to give it everything she’s got – but maybe I should be telling myself the
same.
I give my all in a lot of areas, but with this – with my
writing - I see that I've been holding back.
That’s not going to work.
Not if I hope to approach greatness.
It’s not the feelings. Not really. It’s the fact that I’m exposed. I’m vulnerable and the audience may be
able to see a lot more than I’m prepared to show.
Fuck.
That might hurt. I may look like a fool. If I’m
humiliated, I just might die.
That’s what it boils down to – the irrational fear of shit
that may not happen and fear of shit that, even if it did happen, I might lose
my life.
It sounds stupid now, writing it out like this, but it’s
vibrating with the truth.
I've been travelling a lot – for both my 9 to 5 and
personally, plane ride after plane ride.
Airplane takeoffs always make me think of dying – I often picture a
dramatic explosion of some sort, due to that vague assassin, technical
failure. The odds are astronomically
low, but I’m still in that space from the time we taxi away from the gate until
the wheels are up. In the face of yet another imagined death, dying in an
explosion doesn't feel as scary as being vulnerable.
No one will use my plane crash against me at a later date.
