Seven Things I Have Learned Being Married for 7 Years

Today is my wedding anniversary.  Seven years ago today, I married Ray.  Seven years is not a huge, milestone...but maybe it is. We have grown so much together in this time and our bond only gets stronger each passing year. For that, I am truly grateful.  After my first marriage ended, I wasn't sure if I could actually be married.  It's not for suckas, that's for sure.  When any significant date comes along, I end up reflecting on the past and I've come up with seven things I learned...so far:

1. Respect, not love, is the glue that holds a marriage together. In Western culture, I think we are often more in love with being in love than actually being in a relationship. We're more tied to the perceived validation of having a wedding as opposed to the significance of having a marriage. Relationships are work.  I have no doubt in my mind or heart that I love Ray, but first and foremost, I respect him. It's the respect I have for him that enables me to listen, even when I don't agree. To admit to him when I am wrong. To see how his way is sometimes better than mine. It's makes me sure that what he's bringing to the table is just as valuable to our relationship as the things that I bring.
2. Laugh or die.  I don't mean that literally, but your relationship will  suffer. Ray & I laugh at everything - bills, children, disappointments, dogs, you name it.  I don't want you to think that we're running an insane asylum over here, that we just laugh our heads off at tragedy and death, but if you can find a way to not take everything so seriously, you can often times find humor in it. Laughing at something makes it less powerful and you're able to think your way through challenges with clearer eyes.
3. You have to be friends with your spouse.  Best friends would be optimal. At the outset, marriage is a long term proposition.  The vows that seal the deal even speak of it.  You're promising God, or whomever you pray to, that you'll stick with this person until you die or they die. That's heavy stuff. Let's face it, every night can't be about mind-blowing sex and romance. Life gets in the way - along with the kids, work, deadlines, bills and just being plain tired. If you're friends with your spouse, then you can still have fun even if he's not having flowers delivered to you every week or she isn't dressed for bed like a Frederick's of Hollywood model.
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Can't stress this one enough. Just because you marry someone doesn't mean they somehow become endowed with the gift of mind reading. You have to talk and tell your partner how you feel. Ray and I talk a lot.  We talk about everything under the sun - current events, gossip, friends. I don't expect him to figure out what's bothering me...I tell him, oh believe me, very clearly what's bothering me.  With this, you also have to listen.  If your significant other is talking to you, hear what they are saying. Take it in. In communication workshops, they calling it being an "active listener". Sometimes, that's all folks want, someone to listen, not necessarily solve the problem -  to just let them vent.
5. Keep trying to impress your spouse.  I know this one may sound a little far fetched, but marrying someone doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about them. Or that you can just let it all go because you've got that gold band on your finger.  I'll tell you a funny story.  Before Ray starting drawing comics full time, he worked at an insurance company.  I had the day off and I was giving him a ride to work. To get there, we had to drive through Korea Town. I decided to start reading the building signs out loud (I do that from time to time). Apparently, Ray could only see that the signs were written in Korean.  After about 5 or so minutes of me reading, he blurts out "Why didn't you tell me you could read Korean?" (I should also add here that at this point, we'd been married about 3 years.) I was dumbfounded, at first I thought he was joking, but the look on his face said he clearly wasn't. I couldn't help myself, I started laughing hysterically. I'm mean really, me? Reading Korean? Where in the hell would I have even learned how to do that? After I composed myself I asked his, "What do you think, that I was some kind of international attache? I was perhaps a spy?" He said - with a straight face - "I saw you reading those signs." - like I was hiding something  Mind you, I'm still trying to compose myself, but you know how effective it is when you're trying to keep yourself from laughing. I say to him, "I was reading that smaller signs - they're in English!". It took him about 10 seconds to look out of the car window, where he could actually see the English signs. Then he starts laughing uncontrollably.  When he thought I could read Korean, he was pretty impressed!
6. It's you & your spouse against the world, even against the kids.  When Ray & I met, we had been married before and we each had 1 child. He had a 2 year old boy, Anthony and I had a 1 year old girl, Lorren. Thankfully, because of the kids' ages when we met, we don't have some of the unfortunate issues that can pop up when you have a "blended" family. Anthony calls me Mom. Lorren calls Ray Dad. Even though we each came as a package deal, we made the decision to be a unit. The two of us. The kids are 11 and 10 now, and we all love each other, but it's important that Ray and I are a united front at all times, so they respect the unit.  If I say no to Anthony, it's a firm no - not subject to Ray's approval. Same with Lorren. It makes it easier - we're the authority here. Same with the rest of the world. People, however well meaning, will often try to give you advice about how to deal with your spouse or run your household. As long as Ray and I have made a decision about something, that is what will stand and it doesn't matter about what anyone else thinks about it.
7. Despite the fact that you are "as one" with this other person, you are still an individual. I'm still Shayla. Yes, I'm Ray's wife and Anthony & Lorren's mother, but I'm still a woman with aspirations and personal goals. I still have stuff I wanna do! That part of you doesn't die because you say "I do". At least, I hope it doesn't for you. Ray & I support each other in our personal goals. Everything that a married person does is not necessarily for the "family". Keeping up with your friends and continuing to grow as a person is just as important as putting in the required time to make your marriage work. If you don't have those "outside" things, you can end up feeling like you are losing yourself, and if that happens, nobody wins.

I've been very blessed by meeting and marrying Ray. He "gets" me, which makes him worth his weight in gold. What I have learned from our relationship about love and acceptance cannot be captured with words. I am one of the lucky few people I know that can honestly say that have met the love of their life...and I get to be with him and build a life with him...how much richer can I be???