Shayla: Established 1975

In Honor of my 40th birthday…40 Lessons I’ve Learned:

1. Life is not a linear path.   You’ll go from A to F then back to C and then to M and plenty of stops in Shit Town in between. 
2. Adapt or die.  Change is a guarantee, whether you like it or not.  Resistance will be painful.
3. You are the star of your own life.  Like with a movie, that means you carry the load for pushing the story forward.  You don’t get to blame the extras.
4. Regrets are a nasty, toxic pill to swallow.  If you can possibly avoid them, that would be best.  Second best would be learning from them. 
5. Your life isn’t a rehearsal.  The cameras are rolling now, so get to it.
6. You can learn something from everyone, even if it’s what not to do.
7. Things in life are only what you say they are.  If you think it’s important, it is.  If you assign a value of importance to trivial shit, you are going to be unhappy.
8. It’s not your job to fix other people.  Other people always seem like a fun project.  They’re really a distraction from your own problems.  Fix yourself. That’s hard enough.
9. Don’t make excuses.  Apologize, yes, but unless you are actually calling from a hospital, no one gives a shit why you didn’t do whatever it was you were supposed to do.  Just fucking do it. 
10. Be grateful.  Express gratitude to your friends and family for their presence and whatever deity you believe in for your good fortune.  Be glad to be alive.  It makes everything better when you focus on what you do have, as opposed to what you don’t.
11. Scare the shit out of yourself regularly.  Get out of your comfort zone and push yourself - mentally, physically and emotionally.  It’ll keep you from going soft.  Literally and figuratively.
12. Be mindful of your fears.  The thing that’s pervasive about aging is an increase in the number and nature of one’s fears.  As you recognize your own mortality, you start to retreat from things - driving at night, new technology, unfamiliar places.  It’s a slow creep, but before you know it, you’re a shut-in that gets her groceries delivered.  Be vigilant.
13. Be of service.  Volunteer at a shelter, clean up graffiti in your community, do something.  Don’t wait for someone else to make things better.   
14. Be self aware. Regularly assess yourself and be honest.  If you like 100% of what you find, well good on you.  If you don’t, then see #8.
15. Nothing is permanent. Whether it’s fucked up for you right now or you’re queen of the world, it’s all transient. This too shall pass.
16. Your worth as a person has nothing to do with what you drive, wear or how much money you have in the bank.  It can feel that way (based on the value you assign to material things), but predicating your self worth on that is like building your house on top of a cloud.  A piece of shit in a Lamborghini is still a piece of shit.
17. The person you have the most friction with in your life probably exhibits the same personality traits as you. Seriously.  Check it out.  
18. Not everything is about you.  Sometimes, other people’s reactions have nothing to do with you.  You’re the star of your life, not of theirs. 
19. If you want your teeth, you should act like it. Brush, floss and go to the dentist regularly.  
20. If you don’t have the money, don’t buy it.  There’s no worse feeling than paying for shit you did or ate three years ago.  
21. Corollary to #20: Don’t spend money before you get it.  That’s bonus, tax refund or inheritance.  If it’s not in your hot little hands, it isn’t guaranteed.
22. Don’t be a shit disturber. Mind your own business. Stay of out of the fray, whether it’s at work or your family. No good can come from it.  Trust me. 
23. Insecurity is a waste of time.  The mere fact that the right egg and sperm met at just the perfect time to make you is evidence that you are meant to be here.  Whatever you think you’re missing (too tall, short, dark, fat), it’s what you’ve agreed to in your own mind.  Your mind can be changed.   
24. Time is the only resource you own that cannot be replenished.  You can make more money, you can get more things, but once time is gone…that’s it.  
25. Friends are the family we pick for ourselves.  Choose wisely.  Not everyone deserves a front row seat in our lives. 
26. There’s never a perfect time to get married, have a baby or buy a house.  If you want to do those things, do them.  Just don’t do them for someone else.
27. Be yourself - whomever that is. It's an oft repeated phrase, but it’s true.  People gravitate toward authenticity. Don’t be a second rate somebody else.
28. A pity party should only last 72 hours - at the most.  Any longer than that is just pitiful and you’re definitely headed to Whineyville. 
29. Be here now.  Wherever that is.  Don’t use your fucking phone when you’re eating with other people.  Just be with them, enjoy them.  Listen to what’s being said instead of thinking about what you have to do next.  Breathe. 
30. Hard work isn’t a montage in a movie.  It’s not entertaining and it won’t only take 5 minutes.  It can be boring and tedious, but if you do it right, it will take you to the next level.  
31. Watch what people do, not what they say.  Words are the easiest thing to throw around.  If someone shows you with their actions that they’re an uncaring, self-absorbed asshole, believe them.
32. Give people their flowers while they’re still living. Don’t wait to tell the people in your life how you feel about them.   If you wait too long, then you’ll have to deal with #4.
33. Only marry someone you do not want to change.   Whomever they are, right now, if you don’t like them, walk away.  It will be no different 5 years from now.
34. There is never better than here.  There has its own set of problems.  It only looks more fun.
35. If you feel the need to impress someone, impress yourself.  
36. Always listen to your gut, no questions asked.  Don’t try to reason with it and for the love of all that is holy, don’t ignore it.  You will be sorry if you do. 
37. I don’t care if it’s your dream job or not, if you’re sitting in the seat, do the work.  Do it as if it’s your calling, as if your life depends on it.  You do that and you won’t have to ask for more, it will find you. 
38. Your actions are always the best indicator of what you really think is important.
39. Resilience is the secret to life.  In life, you can throw as many punches as you want, but if you’ve got a glass jaw, all life has to do is throw one punch and you’re done. 
40. Laugh every day.  Laugh at yourself.  Laugh at the crazy situations you find yourself in.  Don’t take it so seriously.  You do really only ride this ride once. Have fun.

One Halloween Costume

Julianne Hough went to a Halloween party as “Crazy Eyes” from Orange Is The New Black and the twitterverse/internet is all aflutter with inflammatory headlines:

Julianne Hough as Crazy Eyes

“Julianne Hough Dresses As Crazy Eyes For Halloween, Probably Didn't Think This One Through” 

“Julianne Hough’s Costume is Pretty Inappropriate”

“Julianne Hough Goes Blackface as Orange Is the New Black Character for Halloween Costume”

I’m Black and while I definitely do not speak for all Black people, I was not offended by her costume choice.  I don’t see it any different than a black person putting on a White mask to be Superman, or hell, painting themselves white and getting a wig to make it look even more authentic.  Crazy Eyes is a character on a television show.  The character is Black.  How in the hell else can a White woman be Crazy Eyes if she doesn’t use makeup?

Julianne Hough as herself

I’m not slow. I know there’s a terrible history in America with Blackface.  It’s the shitty Steppin’ Fetchit stereotype and there are scars there.  It’s very sensitive. I get it.

BUT CRAZY EYES IS A BLACK CHARACTER.  

Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black

So, if I wanted to be Mr. Sulu for Halloween, I would be a racist?  If I wanted to Captain Kirk, would that be a problem?

This wasn't Blackface. It was a fucking Halloween costume.   Isn't that what happens on Halloween?  You get to play dress up.  You get to be whatever and whomever you want – for one night.  Julianne Hough wanted to be a Black character from a television show that she’s a fan of.

 I didn’t realize that when choosing your costume you had to stick within racial boundaries.

I don't see this as insensitive.   If she were dressed up in a KKK get up, then I see the problem, but seriously?  It's a Halloween costume.

There’s so much more going in the world.  

There has got to be something more important than this.

Just So We're Clear....

You can't pray the gay away and there's no such thing as a "gay conversion". 

You'd think in the 2013, that would be obvious...except it isn't. 

Vaccine for the Cyrus Virus

You know, this Miley/Sinead “feud” is half hilarious/half sad.

It’s an old argument that has played out since the dawn of time.  If you've made it to 30 (or better), then you have some perspective on 20; no one could tell you anything.  I know was sure that I had it all figured out. 

An older woman is trying to share some wisdom with a young woman.  She’s had her own share of trials and tribulations and has the desire to help someone else.  She should have tried to get Miley on the phone, instead of doing an open letter – people don’t like to be told about themselves anyway, let alone in public.

Miley reacted like most 20 year olds would, with the additional bonus of being a rich and famous 20 year old.  She basically said, fuck you, you old, crazy, washed-up bitch. I’d like to reply to your rants, but I’m headed out to host Saturday Night Live, so kiss my ass.

Well, this is my open letter to Sinead:

Dear Sinead,

Fuck Miley Cyrus.   

She’s 20, just like you and I have been.  A hard head makes a soft ass.  She has to figure this out on her own and you telling her won’t make one bit of difference.   You attempted to reach out as a wise woman (I’m trying to give you then benefit of the doubt here…between the two of you, Miley is the more famous one, at the moment, attacking her gives you a nice charge of publicity, doesn't it?). She rejected your words of wisdom.   What else are you going to do?   Just let it drop. Don’t speak another word to the media about it.   
You've got your own shit to worry about; you’re a mother of 4 – your time is better spent on other pursuits.   

The feelings you feel at 20, they always feel permanent. I’m sure her fame feels permanent too - but you were on Saturday Night Live about 20 or so years ago…and who knows where this kid will be in 20 years.  Maybe she'll be writing her own rant letter to a young tartlet asking her to think about her actions.  You just don’t know.

My bottom line is really my opening: fuck her. 

Mind your own business and take care of yourself.

Hope all is well.

Always a fan,

Shayla 

Something to Remember...

R

Beautiful Friday!!!

It's Friday!

Let's just focus on beauty today.  

There are so many beautiful things in life...we need to enjoy them.

Tell your loved ones how you feel.  Be in the moment.  

Appreciate what the world has to offer -

Like sunsets:




And London Bridge



Tokyo



New York


and cheeseburgers


and fries


and Margaritas



Here's to a great weekend!  

See you on Monday.

Quote for Thursday

Walls

One of my favorite songs from Tom Petty.  

You can check out the video here.  Just close your eyes and listen to the words.  

Enjoy your day!

Complaint Rock

I hate fucking complainers.  People who always want to tell you about what’s wrong with them – they don’t like their life.   Who gives a shit?  You don’t like it, well do something.  

Complaining never solved anything.    

You don’t like your boss?

Your husband?

Your hairstyle?

Then do something.

Or shut the fuck up. 

ImagiNOtion

I’m a huge fan of the imagination. It’s such a wonderful gift.  With our thoughts we can be anywhere and do anything, without even leaving our front door. 

Imagination is the seed of all greatness.  Without imagination, your favorite food, song or movie would not exist.

Albert Einstein, one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20^th Century, knew it too:

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.

It is mesmerizing and magical...until it isn't.

There’s an ugly underbelly. I like to call it imagiNOtion. Yes, it's a made up word, but the phenomenon is very real. ImagiNOtion is when we use our imagination to decide that a future experience will be negative, no matter what.  We talk ourselves out of potential goodness, because we've already imagined the worse possible scenario.

Let's say you're perusing an online dating site and a guy catches your eye. His profile that says he’s lost weight over the past few years and he has active lifestyle.  Sounds interesting, huh? No. Instead, you decide that you couldn't possibly like him because you've already got the notion that he’ll be an overbearing food Nazi, telling you what to eat, scrutinizing your food choices and treating every date like you're training for a marathon.  You just won't be able to deal with that.  You're absolutely certain of this.  From his photograph and a paragraph.

Shit, you should work for the CIA.  I'm sure they've got some aerial surveillance photos they want you to look at.

Your imagination is a powerful gift.  

Use your powers for good. Not for evil.   

Don't psyche yourself out of opportunities because you're scared.  It's easy to tell yourself that you didn't really want it anyway, but you know you do. Don't take yourself to the depths of hell and back in your mind before you even get to step one.  Every single thing outside of our comfort zone is a challenge.  That's the point. It's life's not-so-little litmus test.  If you can withstand the challenge, if you can just wade through all the bullshit and still persevere, what you want can be yours.  

I truly believe that. 

It's not easy; if it was, everyone would do it.

I'm not just talking to you.  I'm talking to myself.  There are things I want to do and be that will take an extraordinary force. It's not going to show up on my doorstep, while I'm sitting on my couch watching TV. I'm going after it like a rabid dog. Relentless doesn't quite cover it. I'll be tested and knocked down. I'll have to put myself out there, completely raw and exposed. I will fail. It will hurt. I'll dust myself off and try again. 

I'll do it happily, just for the chance to pursue what I really want, instead of just taking what's handed to me. 

All of this will happen outside of my comfort zone.  Every last painful drop. 

If I can do it, you can do it.  

Let's go. 

We're in this together. 

No Questions, Please

I am a Black woman.  I wear my hair naturally.  This is what works for me. It is not a political statement.  It is not an insight into my thoughts on how other Black women wear their hair.  I don't really give a shit.

Since this is my situation, it was particularly interesting to read an article about a recent experiment in Central Park where Black women with different hair types were holding signs that said "You Can Touch My Hair".  

On one hand, I thought it was a thought provoking way to get a dialogue going since it seems like a lot of non-Black people are curious about Black hair.  

On the other hand, while I have had the maddening experience of having a random White person pawing through my hair, what happens most frequently now are the questions and the probing stare:

• How long does that take?
• How do you get it to look like that?

And my all time favorite:

• I'd just love to do that to my hair!

OK, quick tip:  If you are going to ask a Black woman about her hair (and you're not Black), then you should be considered a friend. Not a co-worker. Not an acquaintance. I'm talking about a person you confide in and they confide in you.  They know where you live and have been to your house (and not as the help).  If it's a person you see in the break room at work or in the elevator then save your question.  Write it down and refer to another source: GOOGLE.  Hell, start with Chris Rock's movie, Good Hair. Maybe make some Black friends.  Hopefully, you'll like them and keep them around for more than just the low down on our hair.  Maybe you can learn even more, like gang initiation rituals, Hip-Hop culture 101 or how to run from the killer in a horror flick with out falling down. 

What I do or have done to my hair may not be impossible for you.  Well, actually, it probably is.  That's not the point. 

The point is, I'm not a walking encyclopedia on Black hair.  All I want to do is get my coffee or get down to the plaza level, not give you a quick and dirty peek behind the curtain.   Don't cry to me about how your bone straight hair just won't behave, how limp and lifeless it is. I don't care.  Black women really have to actively decide to love their hair. It's a life long journey. Inside most of us is that pig-tailed little girl, having that ugly cry about our hair, feeling betrayed by the fact that our hair doesn't do what yours does, what we have been told it should do, and it never will.

For most Black women, the decision to go swimming is a major one. Don't ask me why.

The perming process makes our hair straight, not curly.  Don't ask me why.

A hot comb will make our hair straight too.  Don't ask me what that is or why.

The braiding process can take hours (or sometimes days) and yes, we'll sit for that long. Don't ask me how or why.

It's a vicious circle anyway.  One question always leads to another and now the train has left the station. Now I'm holding a fucking seminar in the hallway. In the midst of this, I'm wondering why in the 2013 people still don't have at least one Black friend they could ask all this shit. 

Perhaps that will be the question I'll ask.

Black People: The Last Piece You’ll Ever Need to Read

I’m not an authority on Black people.  I’m neither a historian, nor an anthropologist.  No professional designations .  The only subject I’m an authority on is me.  My experiences, my preferences, my political/socioeconomic views, my quirks and idiosyncrasies. That’s it.  I am aware of the gneralizations, but you should be aware that many them are neat little square boxes I don’t fit into.  I don’t know what all Black people like or listen to or who they’ll vote for in an upcoming election.  Like any group, even a small as a twelve person jury, they don’t all feel same way.  Or, they may agree, but for different reasons.  If you can get this about not only Black people, but replace the word ‘black’ with any race of your choice, then this will be the definitive piece on all people and we can let the stereotypes be finally laid to rest.

A Thought on Having It All

It’s bullshit.

Most times, my life feels like I’m a bad juggler.  While I can get some balls in the air, there are always some coming towards my face.

Oh great, now I have a nosebleed.

Das Re-Boot

Well, it's been a long, long time. I've missed you.

I have been writing, scripts mostly. Specs for television. I'm having lots of fun. I'm learning a lot: being courageous, putting my stuff out there and trying to be the best storyteller I can.  But, I really missed Brick Sandwich.  There's nothing like working on a post, getting it out there and hearing your feedback - good or bad.

So I'm back....again, but this time I'm going to do things a little bit differently.  I'll be posting often.  Variety is the spice of life, so some of the posts will be long, others will be short. Hell, sometimes I'll be crazy and  post some short stories.

The fun starts on Tuesday, July 9th, I'll be posting every day Monday through Friday.  Drop me a line, give me feed back.  Tell me you love it.  Tell me I'm an idiot.  Either way, we're cool.

We'll talk again soon.

Audacious Me

au•da•cious [aw-dey-shuh s] –adjective

1. extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless;

2. extremely original; without restriction to prior ideas; highly inventive:

3. recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.

4. lively; unrestrained; uninhibited.

I recently went skydiving for the first time. It was simply incredible. It’s one of those things that cannot be described…only experienced. I can say unequivocally that every single emotion I had was pure – whether it was fear, awe or elation – not diluted by reason. I’m still in disbelief that I jumped willingly out of a perfectly functioning airplane at 12,500 feet, my body barreling towards the earth at 120 miles per hour… but hey – it was on my bucket list. I don’t know if I will ever do it again, but at least I’ve done it once.



The view from the plane, right before I jumped

Maybe you’re one of the folks that thinks skydiving is a definite way to bring yourself closer to that inevitable end - death. Many “well meaning” people went to great lengths to repeatedly describe to me about what could go wrong (as if I couldn't imagine that on my own). One helpful soul strongly suggested that it was irresponsible for me to skydive because I am a mother.

Well, screw that.

My thinking is this: Life is short. People like to live under the illusion that if they live meek, unassuming lives, following all of the “rules”, it will somehow insulate them from the random cruelties & disappointments of life. It doesn’t. They also want you to stay inside the box with them and get agitated and fearful when you won’t.

Every time leave your house, you take a risk. Your best bet is to have fun with the time you do have and go balls out to do the things that are important to you. Fear is the price of ambition. Skydiving wasn’t about just jumping out of a plane. It was about feeling the fear and doing it anyway - a requisite for success.

Cleanliness is next to what?

I love to clean.  I really do. 

Cleaning for me is therapy.  If my house is clean, I'm at peace. I like things in order and I like my house to smell nice. After I clean up, I often like to just sit, look around and enjoy it.

Don't get me wrong, my house is NOT a museum.  Kids AND dogs live here. I do the best I can!  It's definitely not as easy keeping your house clean when children live there.  Sometimes when I'm upset that my kids have made a mess and they've left it and moved on (to some other part of the house to destroy), I hear my mother's voice coming out of my mouth: "Do you think there's a maid here?!?!?"

What have I have noticed is that no matter how much of a slob someone is, they appreciate a clean space.  Those of you who live with slobs can certainly feel me on this....don't they seem to gravitate towards the area you've just cleaned up? 

For example, you clean up the kitchen for the night. In our house, we have a phrase to describe this:"Kitchen's closed."  Isn't it funny that is exactly when people all of a sudden want to go in there and make a sandwich?  The kitchen has been "open" all friggin' day and now, just as the counters are shining, the dishwasher's loaded and running and everything has been put away...now you get a hankerin' for something to eat? Are you serious?  Same thing with the bathroom. You take 20 minutes to clean the tub, toilet, sink, counter tops and mirrors and now someone wants to go in there and wash and blow dry their hair or worse, give themselves a haircut.  Can't we just enjoy the clean space for a little while? Did you have to do that now? It couldn't have waited a couple of days?

I know what you're thinking. That I'm stone crazy. Isn't the kitchen for preparing meals? Where else do I expect people to cut their hair or wash it?  We'll I don't have an answer for you, except to say...I wouldn't know you were doing any of these things if you cleaned up after yourself when you were done.  A good cleaning job will leave no evidence to the naked eye of what just happened in a room.  I don't have a blue light (although the thought of getting one has crossed my mind) or a degree in forensic science. I just know clean.

Here's how I think about cleaning. Taking care of your things is another way to show God, the Universe or whatever higher power that you answer to that you are grateful for what you have been given. We have all asked for things - "Oh Lord, if you just let me get that apartment, I would be so grateful." or "God, please let me get approved for this car loan so I can get off the bus, or out of this Pinto.".  This benevolent force bestows upon us this blessing and what do some of us do? We treat it like crap. We allow it to stay dirty. We don't take care of it.

Think about it another way.  If you gave a close friend or relative a gift - one you knew that they'd wanted for quite a while now - an outfit, let's say...and you went to their house to visit and found this "very special outfit" rumpled, in a ball on the floor, you'd get the impression that they didn't really want it as much as they said and you'd be kinda pissed, right? 

I'm not trying to assign fallible human emotions to God, or presume to know what He or She thinks. I'm not that wise.  I just think that if we were created in His image that He would want us to demonstrate that we appreciate what we've been given, not just pay lip service to placate Him. Appreciation, like love, is an action word. It's the doing that provides the proof that the feeling actually exists within you. It proves that you understand what receiving the gifts mean and what your responsibility is in taking care of it. It doesn't matter if that gift is a home, a car or a nice pair of shoes.  If you were provided with either the means to buy it or opportunity to receive it as a gift, that means you've been blessed...reason enough to be grateful and act grateful.

9 Signs That You Might End Up On Judge Judy

A small revelation here: I am a huge fan of the television show Judge Judy.

I appreciate her snappy comebacks, contempt for liars and people who cheat the system. I think it is the best reality show on TV.  It's been on for over a decade, so there are obviously still people who don't get it. If you take care of your business (bills, child support, car payments), you will probably never have the unfortunate experience of appearing before her. However, for those that like to live life on the edge, here are a few tell-tale signs that you might end up on the show:

1. 
   
   You met your significant other three months ago and you've already lent them $1,500.00.  The likelihood of you being on the show increases to about 90% if you loaned them money for bail or child support.  Why folks give other people thousands of dollars after knowing them a few weeks, I'll never know, but if someone you just started dating calls you from jail asking for bail money - word to the wise: tell 'em to lose your number and run like hell.  From what I can tell, Judge Judy despises people that don't pay for their own bail or children. There's a good chance that you'll win this one.
2. 
   
   You co-signed on a car, boat or motorcycle for your boy/girlfriend and you guys broke up. It seems like when you break up with someone, they think they don't have to keep making those payments. I guess when the love is gone, the money goes with it. What I can never figure out is why people co-sign for anyone else. That's just not smart. Every person I've seen on the show says that they co-signed for the person they are suing because they had bad credit and would not have been able to get the loan on their own. Doesn't anyone know what "bad credit" means any more? Hello? It means the person you're trying to help doesn't pay their own bills - either on time or at all.  If they've already wrecked their own credit, why do you think they'll be much more careful with yours?
3. 
   
   You loaned someone your car and either you don't have insurance or they don't have a driver's license.  They are going to get into an accident. That's the law of nature. Then, when they total your car, they'll say it your fault they got into the accident because you a) should have had car insurance and b) should not have let them take your car because they didn't have a license. It's never their fault. Trust me on this one.  If you don't have insurance, legally speaking, your car shouldn't be on the road. You'll lose. If the person didn't have a valid license and you didn't know that, you may have a chance here.
4. 
   
   You put your boy/girlfriend on your cell phone plan and you're no longer together. Again, not a good idea. This is the worst part: They are now using your phone to call their new special someone. Since you're the lucky SOB that gets the bill, you can see how often they called them and how long they talked! Oh great!  They call it a family plan for a reason - you should probably reserve the privilege for your actual family and even then, really think about it.
5. 
   
   You loan a family member money. This is worse than chasing after an ex to get your money. Why? Because this is family. You can't get rid of them. You're going to see them next Christmas or at the family reunion picnic. Depending on how far the word is spread, your family may be divided into two camps over this - the people that think the deadbeat should pay up or the folks that think you're being "selfish" for asking for your own money back and you should just forget about the loan. Don't loan anyone in your family money. If you can't afford to just give it to them, well then you can't afford to loan it to them. You can also believe that you're going to be counter sued for "harassment" because you kept calling them, asking for your money. Whether you win the case or not, it doesn't matter, you've still lost.
6. 
   
   You're an angry drunk.  If you like to get drunk in public often and act like a complete idiot when you do, you've got a good chance of being sued.  Either learn how to hold your liquor, drink (and stay) at home or better yet, just don't drink.  Inevitably, during one of your tirades, you're going to break a bottle or chair over someones head.  They are going to sue you for their medical expenses and pain and suffering (also known as punitive damages). Because you were pretty crocked while the events in question occurred, you're not going to remember what happened, have no reliable testimony and you're going to lose. Judge Judy doesn't take too kindly to out-of-control drunks.
7. 
   
   You sign an apartment lease with your boy/girlfriend and they a) were recently released from prison or b) never held as job as long as you've known them.  If you're the plaintiff in this case, I don't think you have a good chance of winning.  Can one reasonably expect that a recent parolee will be able to secure employment and regularly contribute to household expenses? I mean, a parole officer can only do so much here. Getting an apartment with your boy/girlfriend who's never worked is not an incentive for them to work. It's now an incentive for them to sponge off of you now, instead of their parents. That's probably where you found 'em and that's where you should have left 'em.
8. 
   
   You allow your teenage daughter's boyfriend to move into your house. Apparently, this one happens more often than one would think.  It's just not a good idea. Period. If this boy is having "problems" at home do you really want to transplant those problems to your house? If he doesn't listen to his parents, why is he going to be a better citizen at your house? Newsflash: He won't and you are setting up a perfect situation for there to be trouble at your house, or worse for your daughter to get pregnant. What exactly do you think they'll be doing while you're asleep...playing Chutes and Ladders? Judge Judy is not going to be sympathetic to your plight, especially after you go into the gory details about how he just sat around your house, ate everything that wasn't nailed down and never paid you a dime of rent. I'll bet $5 that her response will be "That's your problem!"
9. 
   
   You get into a fight over a man. You would think it doesn't need to be said, but apparently it does: There is no reason in the world to fight another woman over a man. Your man, her man, who cares? If he broke his promises to you, kick his ass. You'll still get arrested and/or sued for the assault, but at least the rage would have been appropriately directed. If you were the wronged party, you didn't start the fight and you got the worst of the it, you just might have a shot at winning.

I hope this has been helpful. If you ever get a summons to appear on the show, just decline and go to a small claims court that isn't televised... unless you don't care if 10 million people know you're a bum.

Seven Things I Have Learned Being Married for 7 Years

Today is my wedding anniversary.  Seven years ago today, I married Ray.  Seven years is not a huge, milestone...but maybe it is. We have grown so much together in this time and our bond only gets stronger each passing year. For that, I am truly grateful.  After my first marriage ended, I wasn't sure if I could actually be married.  It's not for suckas, that's for sure.  When any significant date comes along, I end up reflecting on the past and I've come up with seven things I learned...so far:

1. Respect, not love, is the glue that holds a marriage together. In Western culture, I think we are often more in love with being in love than actually being in a relationship. We're more tied to the perceived validation of having a wedding as opposed to the significance of having a marriage. Relationships are work.  I have no doubt in my mind or heart that I love Ray, but first and foremost, I respect him. It's the respect I have for him that enables me to listen, even when I don't agree. To admit to him when I am wrong. To see how his way is sometimes better than mine. It's makes me sure that what he's bringing to the table is just as valuable to our relationship as the things that I bring.
2. Laugh or die.  I don't mean that literally, but your relationship will  suffer. Ray & I laugh at everything - bills, children, disappointments, dogs, you name it.  I don't want you to think that we're running an insane asylum over here, that we just laugh our heads off at tragedy and death, but if you can find a way to not take everything so seriously, you can often times find humor in it. Laughing at something makes it less powerful and you're able to think your way through challenges with clearer eyes.
3. You have to be friends with your spouse.  Best friends would be optimal. At the outset, marriage is a long term proposition.  The vows that seal the deal even speak of it.  You're promising God, or whomever you pray to, that you'll stick with this person until you die or they die. That's heavy stuff. Let's face it, every night can't be about mind-blowing sex and romance. Life gets in the way - along with the kids, work, deadlines, bills and just being plain tired. If you're friends with your spouse, then you can still have fun even if he's not having flowers delivered to you every week or she isn't dressed for bed like a Frederick's of Hollywood model.
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Can't stress this one enough. Just because you marry someone doesn't mean they somehow become endowed with the gift of mind reading. You have to talk and tell your partner how you feel. Ray and I talk a lot.  We talk about everything under the sun - current events, gossip, friends. I don't expect him to figure out what's bothering me...I tell him, oh believe me, very clearly what's bothering me.  With this, you also have to listen.  If your significant other is talking to you, hear what they are saying. Take it in. In communication workshops, they calling it being an "active listener". Sometimes, that's all folks want, someone to listen, not necessarily solve the problem -  to just let them vent.
5. Keep trying to impress your spouse.  I know this one may sound a little far fetched, but marrying someone doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about them. Or that you can just let it all go because you've got that gold band on your finger.  I'll tell you a funny story.  Before Ray starting drawing comics full time, he worked at an insurance company.  I had the day off and I was giving him a ride to work. To get there, we had to drive through Korea Town. I decided to start reading the building signs out loud (I do that from time to time). Apparently, Ray could only see that the signs were written in Korean.  After about 5 or so minutes of me reading, he blurts out "Why didn't you tell me you could read Korean?" (I should also add here that at this point, we'd been married about 3 years.) I was dumbfounded, at first I thought he was joking, but the look on his face said he clearly wasn't. I couldn't help myself, I started laughing hysterically. I'm mean really, me? Reading Korean? Where in the hell would I have even learned how to do that? After I composed myself I asked his, "What do you think, that I was some kind of international attache? I was perhaps a spy?" He said - with a straight face - "I saw you reading those signs." - like I was hiding something  Mind you, I'm still trying to compose myself, but you know how effective it is when you're trying to keep yourself from laughing. I say to him, "I was reading that smaller signs - they're in English!". It took him about 10 seconds to look out of the car window, where he could actually see the English signs. Then he starts laughing uncontrollably.  When he thought I could read Korean, he was pretty impressed!
6. It's you & your spouse against the world, even against the kids.  When Ray & I met, we had been married before and we each had 1 child. He had a 2 year old boy, Anthony and I had a 1 year old girl, Lorren. Thankfully, because of the kids' ages when we met, we don't have some of the unfortunate issues that can pop up when you have a "blended" family. Anthony calls me Mom. Lorren calls Ray Dad. Even though we each came as a package deal, we made the decision to be a unit. The two of us. The kids are 11 and 10 now, and we all love each other, but it's important that Ray and I are a united front at all times, so they respect the unit.  If I say no to Anthony, it's a firm no - not subject to Ray's approval. Same with Lorren. It makes it easier - we're the authority here. Same with the rest of the world. People, however well meaning, will often try to give you advice about how to deal with your spouse or run your household. As long as Ray and I have made a decision about something, that is what will stand and it doesn't matter about what anyone else thinks about it.
7. Despite the fact that you are "as one" with this other person, you are still an individual. I'm still Shayla. Yes, I'm Ray's wife and Anthony & Lorren's mother, but I'm still a woman with aspirations and personal goals. I still have stuff I wanna do! That part of you doesn't die because you say "I do". At least, I hope it doesn't for you. Ray & I support each other in our personal goals. Everything that a married person does is not necessarily for the "family". Keeping up with your friends and continuing to grow as a person is just as important as putting in the required time to make your marriage work. If you don't have those "outside" things, you can end up feeling like you are losing yourself, and if that happens, nobody wins.

I've been very blessed by meeting and marrying Ray. He "gets" me, which makes him worth his weight in gold. What I have learned from our relationship about love and acceptance cannot be captured with words. I am one of the lucky few people I know that can honestly say that have met the love of their life...and I get to be with him and build a life with him...how much richer can I be???

What this blog is about.

Hello and welcome to my blog. My name is Shayla. I have thought of myself as a genius, a fool and everything else in between. I am a wife and mother. I am 34 years old, constantly making mistakes, but trying to learn something from them along the way. There are some things I'm becoming more clear about everyday. I think I'm getting closer to who I am in this world. Certainly closer than when I was 21. I've made some assumptions about myself and I've been dead wrong.  My intention here is to have a forum for discussion about a host of topics, mostly focusing on this journey we're all on....whether you see heaven as the after-party or not.

I see life with humor mixed in...sometimes laughter keeps you from crying. I believe in the First Amendment, but I also believe that everyone should be afforded basic courtesies. I want to say right at the start that I welcome any and all feedback and comments, but the basis for all interaction here is RESPECT.

Thank you for stopping by. I hope to see you again soon!